Recovery revelation

One of the things I thought I'd never do is take a class about feelings. But, Kim, our staff contact for FPU wanted all of the small group leaders in FPU to go through the Recovery class at church. Since Matt and I are the ministry leaders for FPU, we felt we had no option but to go through it.

The specific class we're taking is called Making Peace with your Past, using Tim Sledge's workbook pictured above. I have to be honest and say that I wasn't looking forward to it and after the first two weeks regretted signing up. Not that I don't think the class is beneficial to our spiritual and mental well-being, but I hate dredging up things in my past that I have already processed. With Matt's help and some close friends throughout my life, I have been fortunate to talk about the things that affected me as a kid, how I was raised and the abuse I was subjected to.

I know I'm not perfect, but I have been able to deal with the things of my past and understand how they have affected me and influenced who I am today. With that said, I am an emotional person. Last night, as I shared about my relationship with Matt, I became a bit emotional. Enough so that it prompted Dana to ask some questions as to where that comes from. At first, I didn't know how to respond. What is it that makes me emotional? Especially when I talk about Matt. I've always just made the excuse that I'm a pretty emotional person. Matt will testify to that. But, what is at the core of those feelings? And what are they exactly?

It wasn't until further into the discussion that it came to me. I'm afraid of losing Matt. Not in the sense that I am dependent on him for survival, but in that he is truly my soulmate. Dana asked me if I felt I deserve Matt, and I answered quickly, no. But, I don't feel that way because I think he's better than me. The best way I can describe it is that I feel I don't deserve him just like I don't deserve God's grace and forgiveness, in humility. Even after this revelation, fear of loss, I could not figure out what was at the core of that.

We finished class and the question lingered. I spoke with Amy and Sarah on the way home about class and my breakthrough. And, God revealed why I'm afraid of losing Matt. It makes so much sense and is so obvious that I just never think about it. See, if you knew about Matt and I, you'd know that we've been through some rough times. A month and a half into our marriage, Matt had to have a kidney transplant. Not a year later, he underwent another surgery to repair his lung. The fear of losing him has always been there, it's real. I just never vocalized it or recognized that it affects me and our relationship. In a good way at least.

Let's just say, I feel better about the class.